Why should I invest in the Porcine Fund when so many other mutual funds are losing money?

You deserve the best. The Porcine Fund has a perfect track record and a rich heritage of losing money unmatched by any other mutual fund. Those other mutual funds may be losing money now, but most of them sooner or later will turn a profit.

How can I get the Porcine Fund to invest in my venture?

The Porcine Fund has extremely rigorous requirements for investments. Each venture must first produce a business plan with an iron clad guarantee of complete insolvency. In addition, one or more of the following criteria must be met: (a) A company officer is under indictment for, or has been convicted of, fraud. (b) The company is under investigation by any of: SEC, ICC, FBI, INS, FDA, ATF, or 6 or more state Attorney Generals. (c) Company headquarters is located in Bermuda or Switzerland. (d) The company has been featured on the television show "60 Minutes."

Isn't there something illegal about the Porcine Fund?

People are indicted for trying to make money. At the Porcine Fund we lose money.

Isn't there something unethical about the Porcine Fund?

Ethics in business is an oxymoron. Next question please.

Is the Porcine Fund real?

The Porcine Fund is just as real as the companies we invest in, such as Enron or NextCard.

Can I purchase insurance against unexpected windfalls?

Because of the Porcine Fund's exemplary track record of 100% capital loss, insurance to cover the possibility of a profit is discouraged. However, profit protection insurance is available through Swine Underwriters, at a cost of 147% of the initial investment.

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